Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
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Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Not all heroes wear capes…
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?