Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
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If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble