[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
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[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Yes, but it was never about money
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung