me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
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If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.