Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
You Might Also Like
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?