ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
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No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial