Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
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Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”