dogs can find happiness so easily
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I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Not now. I’m deglazing.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”