“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
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Tax tip: Even if it鈥檚 true, never list your dog as head of household. They鈥檒l roll over under audit.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it鈥檚 as I鈥檝e feared [clowns around me take a knee]
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Gorilla vs. cold water 馃槀
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don鈥檛 you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh鈥nd made her madder.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8鈥檚 head
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now鈥et鈥檚 not get crazy.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who鈥檚 cleaned his bathroom I wish he鈥檇 use them too.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you馃槶.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I鈥檒l need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
My doctor told me I鈥檝e been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that鈥檚 what she told me. I couldn鈥檛 really hear her that well.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Put the is in disheveled
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”