*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
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Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.