Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
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if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”