Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
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I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Investing in beetcoin
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands