Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
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If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
a lot to unpack here
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*