Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
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If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
#DesignFail
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer