Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
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I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024