@Fickle_Filly: Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven't seen for years with the words, "Wow. You've aged badly..."
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@dxblarssonENG: "No Karen I don't want to see pics of your ugly kids & stupid cats" or as I usually say: "Awww how cute"
@JasonLastname: Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you're now working at Subway. You're a submarine.
@bea_ker: [with father in law] "You know how to pluck a goose, son?" Er yes sir, sure do *stretches goose's neck and plays it like a double bass*
@ThisOneSayz: Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.