TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
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Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.