TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
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MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
My dad teaching me to drive
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!