I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
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“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
A double negative is a big no-no.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot