[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
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Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I’d use my best pan on you.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.