Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
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WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”