@DadandBuried: I'm at my parenting best when I randomly yell out "be careful!" every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

@DanielRCarrillo: If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

@theshamingofjay: 75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it

@nickmullen: i would like it if batmans ears folded down when he got sad

@better_off_dad: 'Pizza toppings. Go.' -Me, speed dating.