Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
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Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I would like even faster food.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
We all have our pet causes.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”