terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
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BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii