terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
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can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Pandas 🐼🖤
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..