“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
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My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Oh yeah that’s it
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.