Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
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[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.