REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
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No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?