Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
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Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.