Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
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-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.