Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
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Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Goodnight 🐶
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave