Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
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Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
They got Raph!
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Happy Halloween 🎃