[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
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Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.