[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
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I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
She: I like Cats
He:
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.