Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
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“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Wait for it
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”