i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
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[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
same bro
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
wut hotdog?
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.