[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
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The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.