Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
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Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Strangers have the best candy.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people