You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
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Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
My birth announcement for our third baby
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*