Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
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I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.