– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
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King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.