[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
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“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.