[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
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It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Dammit Chief not again
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo