Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
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I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined