Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
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You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
twitter is a journey
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”