Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
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I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Stop sending me this shit.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit