@Capt_Spanky: Text to wife: "Would you bring me my " and my phone suggests "girlfriend." My phone is trying to kill me.
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@OtherDanOBrien: ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me ME: I like you ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
@david8hughes: "Marines!" "SIR, YES SIR!" "Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp--HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?" "That's too early I quit."
@dreadnaught69: She thinks I drink all day when she's at work. I don't... I stop just before she gets home