@realHamOnWry: The human brain starts working the moment you're born and never stops until your wife asks where you were last night.

@Anyalachae7: Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says "probably just shitfaced."

@pinupteacher: My cab driver just described Seattle as "Not that horrible of a place." Get that guy a job on the tourism board.

@TuffyNyC: It's nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

@joshgondelman: In retrospect, "Metallica" is a hilarious name for a metal band. It's like a Bob Dylan calling himself "Ol' Folksy."