@jake_lach: I need to lay off the caffeine. My neighbor keeps complaining that I'm tackling her much more than usual

@BuckyIsotope: ME AT GYM: mind if I work in? GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

@flashember: [War of 1812] American: Let's invade the British North. Other American: Upper or Lower Canada? A: idgaf LATER:

@AthenaMystique: Dear Google Maps, Don't insult me by telling me to head "southwest". If I knew where southwest was, I wouldn't be using you. Kthnxbye

@Brianhopecomedy: Looks like my wife snuck a love note into my pocket which is pretty cute, although I don't know what "DNR" means.