*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
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I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Made something I’m not proud of
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*