Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
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I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Meanwhile in Canada…
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience