@GreenishDuck: Text your dad "egg salad sandwich" four times in one day. He'll probably think his phone is broken.
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@toastymoe: Bad news: I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school. Worse news: I'm a bus driver
@RandiLawson: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
@bea_ker: *amateur magician does tablecloth-pulling trick, knocking everything over* Cat in audience: Oh, this guy's good