Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
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Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.