@GreenishDuck: Text your dad "egg salad sandwich" four times in one day. He'll probably think his phone is broken.
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@ExtraGrumpyCat: 4/20 = National Weed Day 4/21 = National Drug Testing Day 4/22 = National Unemployment Day
@FadeAway2: Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who's getting cut from the team
@KKAlThani: *throws a grenade at Bruno Mars' girlfriend* *Bruno Mars appears out of nowhere and catches it* *it explodes and both of them die*
@nonosimprov: Culturally speaking... Having a McDonald's in a WalMart is like finding a cyst in a tumour.