Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
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“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now