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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
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My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!