@AmberDonn: Texted Mom a question & she didn't answer right away. I'm going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
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@KatMcSnatch: Recipe for homemade charcoal: 1. Put dinner in the oven. 2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet...
@QuickandSisi: If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
@TheToddWilliams: [grocery produce aisle] ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots? CLERK: No, why do you ask? CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
@GarryShandling: If you're head of the CIA and can't hide an extramarital affair it means it can't be done. Case closed, fellas.