Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
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three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Message from the dog groomers
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Best seat on the street 😍
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine